Because we submit ourselves to this unattainable standard, women have become enslaved to destructive habits such as skin bleaching, plastic surgery and lip dyeing. And other insidious habits such as dieting and contour make-up to make our features look more European and thus more acceptable.

Full figure and discontent

I am a full figure, dark skinned woman with kinky 4c hair but I have spent my entire adult life trying to attain this impossible standard of beauty mainly through starving myself (what others call dieting). I was teased about my body as a teenager and in an effort to conform I starved myself, so I could stay thin. And that worked for most of my adult life until I had children. In the last 3 years I have gained 3 dress sizes and I have struggled with discontentment. I look in the mirror and I hate the woman I see because she doesn’t measure up to the standard that I have come to believe is the measure of beauty. I feel ugly and my confidence and joy shrivel under the gaze of this full figure African woman.

How is it that as a Christian woman, I have derived my sense of worth from the size of my jeans and allowed my joy to be held captive by a number on a scale? Why do I turn to dieting and exercise for joy instead of Christ? Why is it easier to starve myself instead of praying and asking God to renew my heart and mind and give me contentment?

The simple answer is idolatry. I yearn for man’s approval more than God’s.

Beauty is God’s idea

”The world could possibly exist without the variegated colors that are painted on it, but God meant that this should be a beautiful world; that it should appear well; that there should be something more than mere utility.²” And so when we get up in the morning and wear a pretty outfit, do our hair and wear make-up to look beautiful we are responding to a desire that has been imprinted on us by our Maker. God created his universe full of various expressions of beauty – you and I are evidence of that. But when we corrupt that desire we are guilty of idolatry.

A higher standard of beauty

As I seek to reboot my thinking about beauty I am learning that there is a higher standard of beauty. I want to be that 1Peter 3 woman whose beauty does not come from outward adornment but comes from the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. I want to put a period, not a comma in front of Psalm 139:14 when it says I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

And I will have to teach my daughters too how to ward off the lies that the world tells us about our identity, and teach them to treasure God’s voice, over Hollywood’s. It is not enough for them to know that they are beautiful by design, because beauty is fleeting. The voice of popular culture is transient, but Gods eternal voice lasts forever. But before I can teach them I must first believe these truths.

Notes

¹ https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/beauty

² Quote taken from Barnes commentary on 1 Peter 3:4

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Yet our awe and wonder has been mingled with fear and anxiety. As she grows I increasingly become aware of the incredible responsibility God has given my husband and I as stewards over this little life. This responsibility was less obvious when she was a helpless babe and all I had to do was feed, bath and change her. Now that she can speak, negotiate, throw tantrums and express her feelings, my role in her life is evolving from primarily being a caregiver to a more formative influence.

I realise that what I am doing now and for the next 16 years or so will largely determine her experiences and worldview. The kind of wife and mother she will become one day; I would have modelled that for her. The kind of citizen, student, employee she becomes; her convictions or lack thereof; her fears and failures; I would have played a big role in shaping that. And that’s a scary thought.

I was saved in my mid 20s and often when I look back on my life I wish the Lord would have saved me at a younger age so that I could have avoided the many pitfalls of a life lived without Christ. I know that Christ has saved me completely and washed all my sins away but I also know that one of the consequences of sin is that we get to live with the memories and sometimes the consequences of our misdeeds. This is probably my greatest fear for my daughter; that the allure of the world would draw her heart away from Christ.

But our fears and anxieties are only debilitating when we do not subject them to the scrutiny of scripture. God promises us a peace that surpasses all understanding when we surrender our anxieties to him through prayer. (Philippians 4:6). I am learning to pray and lean on Jesus to overcome my fears. I pray grand prayers and I prayer small prayers. When I pray grand prayers, I ask the Lord to save my baby at a young age and spare her the regret of living a wasted life, that she may own Christ as her King long before the world claims her heart. I pray that He may rescue her from the mistakes that I am going to make and let not my fears and inhibitions limit her possibilities.

But I confess that the little prayers are the ones I find myself praying more often. In his book on marriage, “What did you Expect? Redeeming the realities of marriage”, Paul Tripp says that marriage is made up of many little moments. He adds further that “the character of a life is not set in two or three dramatic moments, but in 10,000 little moments.” I think of parenting in the same way. It’s the daily, ordinary moments where character is formed and relationship built. It’s choosing to be patient when she poops in her panties for the umpteenth time. To not snap when she says an emphatic “No!” and walks away while I’m speaking to her. Or simply persevering in teaching her ABCs when it looks like she isn’t listening. I pray for daily (sometimes minute by minute) patience, kindness and humility.

My hope is that over her lifetime these ordinary moments that we share will be woven into a beautiful tapestry of grace and Christlikeness. I know I will fumble and fail along the way but by God’s help I pray that the evidence will point overwhelmingly towards a life lived in dependence on Christ.

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