In school, I did well academically, but I always felt I was different. I started dating guys while in secondary school, and it became like a crutch to me. I was getting some sort of acceptance from these childish relationships. I belonged. The relationships always ended, and I always moved on to the next person.

I went to study engineering at University. I wanted to do great things, and at the time, being an engineer seemed great enough. I wanted to be someone that made people smile and approve of. My father spoke with much satisfaction and contentment of such people. How I wished he spoke such of me. Perhaps he would though, if I became an engineer. Yet a part of me was giving up, the load I carried was too heavy to drag 5 years through university. It was too long a journey. I was not going to make it.

Adding on to that, a boyfriend I had been dating for 4 years, since secondary school, died in a car accident. That was, I suppose the straw that broke the camel’s back; more specifically the end of my attempting to salvage my life. The darkest cave I have ever been in, and I went back to the usual smile by day, cry by night routine. I still wanted deep down inside, more than anything, to be liked and approved of and accepted.

A relative at the university got concerned by my permanently puffy eyes. She visited my room and told me about God. She then later took me to a SCOM (Students Christian organization of Malawi) meeting, where I got to hear more about God, and pray with people. [eltdf_blockquote text=”I “received” Christ and got “saved”. I had always known about God. My father said he didn’t believe in God, but my mum dragged us to church on many Sundays, so I was very aware of the existence of a creator. I had just never thought of calling out to Him throughout my years of emptiness and feeling like dirt.” title_tag=”h2″ width=””] I only went to church to avoid provoking my mother, but I counted the minutes until service ended. To me church was just dead boring routines and actions I had to endure on the Sundays that we did go to church.

In University, this SCOM, was much more vibrant and alive. You were encouraged to participate. I sang on stage; and prayed with and for people. It was a welcoming environment. It was in a way, what I was yearning for. I was still depressed, but perhaps with all the activities it offered, I had less time to wallow in my woes.

I still decided to quit the engineering course. I attended class but had stopped taking notes, stopped studying; bracing myself for the dropout. I was afraid of what my father would say. How would he handle me dropping out of university? Well, when it did happen, he suggested we talk to a professor friend of his who worked at the university; he wanted to ask him to help me back in. I refused. I was done with that chapter.

Two years later I went to the UK on a working holiday. I tried to extend my stay when my visa expired but my application was denied. I took advice from a friend to stay on illegally. I had joined a vibrant church from the time I arrived there and became very active in the church. The people around really helped me with my depression. I was healed. I was freed from many of my fears. God was truly at work in my life. I was still resisting yielding everything though.

All the while I heard a nagging voice in my heart pointing out to me how judgmental I was of other people. Other sinners. By the time I realized I had actually done all the things I was judging others for, I had lived illegally for almost a year in the UK. I was aware of every day I stayed there breaking the law of the land. Yet I didn’t want to come back home. I was stuck. I was not supposed to be in this country. But back home I felt my parents despised me.

I got disturbed by certain things in the church in the UK that seemed to go against the word of God in the bible. When I brought it up to the pastor, he got very angry. I got scared and stopped going to church. This was the place I had found healing and a new family and God. I let it all go, and I remember packing even my bible away saying “God if that’s what You are really like, I want nothing to do with You”. I went a month without praying. Then a nightmare had me cry out “Jesus!” and I knew then I couldn’t live without Him.

I had had enough of the guilt of living and working illegally, so one day I walked into a police station and asked to see an immigration officer. I told them I was there illegally. I asked if there was a chance they could just make me legal, I had a few debts that I needed to work and pay for. The immigration officer asked if I was in any danger at home. I said no. He then said I will have to send you back home. You will have to apply to return from your home country.

It was a long flight back home. I had disappointed many people instead of getting approval and acceptance. My family, friends in the UK, my pastor, God. I wrote in my bible, the only thing I chose to take( or I felt worthy enough to take) back to my home country with me( as the immigration people had offered to have someone bring my belongings, but I just felt unworthy of taking anything); I wrote ” truly oh Lord you are displeased with wrong doing. Thank You for Your tender mercies oh Lord“. The date on it is 28/02/08. I think that was the first time I truly realized I had wronged God. All along I saw myself as a victim of sexual abuse. Then a victim of hatred from people I couldn’t fit in with because I felt too dirty; people who misunderstood me. A victim needing a savior. I thought that’s what I was saved from when I “felt” saved. But now in this shameful flight back home I saw how I had done everything I judged other people for: the staying illegally in a country, the using dating relationships as a drug to avoid facing my life, looking for someone to accept and approve of me. All reactions of a victim perhaps, but very much the actions of a sinner against God. On that flight I saw that for the first time in my life. Six years of thinking I was saved; saved from being a victim; I was actually being saved from being sinner, Romans3 verse23 applied to me too! I always thought my case was different. I realized, without Christ I am full of sin using my being a victim as my eternal excuse, yet all the while sinning against God. For whatever reason I sin, however justifiable it is in my eyes, the truth remains, God is not pleased with wrongdoing, Psalm 5 verse 4, no matter what face or excuse the wrongdoing wears. The wages of sin is death, Romans 6 verse 23, and on my own, my attempts to heal and sort out my life had ended up achieving the exact opposite. O top of it all, ended up sinning against God. I was indeed in need of a savior. But this time it was not salvation from an abusive past, a dirty soul. I needed salvation from a sinful heart and sinful hands.

All these years I had heard and read and even shared with others that Christ died for our sins, yet I had never really seen my sin. I had occasional faults and disobedience, yes, but I was in my mind justified because of what had happened to me.

Lord You hung on the cross for sinners. Save me from my sin. Have mercy on me.

I arrived home with my head hung low but my life was just beginning in a real new walk with God. I have seen God’s mercy, His grace, His attention to the details in my life. I have seen God untangle many twisted areas in my heart. And it is so real, I don’t have to pretend to fit in, or hide anymore. But most importantly I have seen God lead my life. He really took me out of the miry clay of a mess I had made and set my feet upon a rock. And He has put in me a desire to obey His word and seek to please Him, which is a fight in itself, but Christ who has already won the victory, is right here with me.

Now I am not perfect, but I am very aware that my life is in His hands. He leads, cares for me, corrects, protects and provides for me. I am eternally His. He is working on me. I can be sure He will keep me, and I have much hope in His saving and keeping my children. John 3 verse 16: for God so loved the world, that He gave His only son, that whosoever believes in him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life. God’s free love and grace: that’s more than all the approval and acceptance I will ever need.

The post Accepted, Loved! appeared first on Proverbs 31.

I was around 8 years old when the gospel was presented at church. I thought yay, I’ll just jump to this opportunity to seal my fate and be saved too. After all, everybody around me was a believer and I scared of hell. So I raised my hand to respond to the alter call. Boldly walked up to the front to recite the sinner’s prayer, stood there checking out my mom from the pew. As I caught a glimpse of her smile, I knew my decision was noted and pleasing to her.

As I reached teenage stage, being a people pleaser got very burdensome. Yet, I didn’t drop it instead I just added living for my own pleasure to the mix. Which meant working extra hard at school. To get marks that will add a bounce to my steps and gratify my pride. It also meant befriending only the prominent people. Whom my association with would add value on how people perceived me. Obeying my parents whenever possible and say a few verses at them, every now and then. Then I get the “best daughter” points.

At this point I was living my life on the thin line between being a sinner by day and saint by night. My sinful life at school was for my own pleasure and the saint mask at home and church was for the pleasure of others. I had no regards whatsoever to what pleased God and I don’t remember being concerned about what God thought of me or my life. Except maybe when the guilt of my sins got too much. Then I would read my bible, recite a few verses without any context and pray. Just to give my conscience a rinse and as soon as it cools down, back to my sins again. This was the typical cycle of my life.

That was my life until the sinner in me got so livid. It just couldn’t coexist with the shadow of the saint anymore. It dominated and engulfed the saint like it never showed face. It got so huge and couldn’t fit the saint cast anymore. And for the first time in my life, I saw myself for what I was, A SINNER. Not a good girl, not that child that grew up in a home of Christians, not a fervent church member/ attendee but a mere sinner.

That is when I stopped trying on my own and rested on the finished work of Christ. I realized that all along I thought of Christ as my one way ticket to heaven. Yet not as my Lord and Savior. I realized I didn’t want God above all things. That I treasured myself above Him. At this enlightenment, my eyes were opened. The cause of my life changed. I now no longer live for myself, my pleasure, my pride, my ambitions and people. But for the pleasure and glory of Jesus Christ who died for me (2 Corinthians 2:15).

Just as Piper puts it:

[eltdf_blockquote text=”Christ did not die to forgive sinners who go on treasuring anything above seeing and savoring God. And people who would be happy in heaven if Christ were not there, will not be there. The gospel is not a way to get people to heaven; it is a way to get people to God. It’s a way of overcoming every obstacle to everlasting joy in God. If we don’t want God above all things, we have not been converted by the gospel.” title_tag=”h6″ width=””]

― John Piper, God Is the Gospel: Meditations on God’s Love as the Gift of Himself

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I grew up in the small city of Mzuzu, Malawi. I was raised by very religious grandparents who were very active members of the church. I recall never missing Sunday school, so from a young age I had an awareness of who God is, as well as an understanding of right from wrong. But I wouldn’t say I was saved. When I was 9 years old, I moved to Blantyre to live with my mother and step father due to family reasons. A year later I went to boarding school, where I spent the next four years of my life. After high school, like my fellow peers were, I was making plans for my life and university. None of which seemed to be going according to plan. I remember my mother telling me to pray over all my plans, which I did, but not whole heartedly.

Nothing seemed to be working out, and I ended up going to the last university I ever thought I would attend. Whilst at this university, I was introduced to a course called “Introduction to Philosophy and Critical Thinking”. It was in this class where my young mind was opened up to all the questions the world of philosophy presents. [eltdf_blockquote text=”“Is there really a God?”, “Who is God?”, “What does He look like?”, and “Are there multiple ways to get to Him?” These were all questions ringing through my head, and the timing seemed perfect with the season of life I was in.” title_tag=”h2″ width=””]

Coming from a gap year where nothing worked out for me, even after praying to God, I had questions and was relentlessly looking for answers. I found a Quran in my house and began to search for answers to all my questions. I also read other material online about the different religions: Buddhism, Hinduism and Atheism. These were all options I considered, but they never really seemed like something that would satisfy the deep craving my heart had.

One Friday, I was on campus chatting with a group of friends who were professing Christians. They were a breed of believers that I hadn’t seen before. They were conservative, but not judgmental. My “cool” tomboy self was able to resonate with them, for we had a lot in common. Somehow we got into a discussion about religion and Jesus Christ. I probably asked them a lot of questions which I don’t remember now, but I remember hearing the Gospel for the first time that day and seeing Jesus as He truly is. I felt like the deep longing in my heart had been quenched, and it’s a feeling I’ll never forget in my life. That evening, I went home, locked my door, got on my knees and repented. By His sovereign grace, I was saved from my sin and the path to destruction. Since then, I’ve seen God’s faithfulness, especially in believing and being convinced that Christ is the only way to salvation.

Soli Deo Gloria.

The post When I Look At My Life appeared first on Proverbs 31.

I had friends, purpose, a church family, direction and a full life. God was always talking to me, all I had to do to hear Him was get on His frequency, and by frequency I mean get myself in the right state of mind. What is the right state of mind you ask? The Scripture free kind, involving listening to a few worship songs to get my spiritual antenna sensitized to His presence. I would then be able to feel God’s presence. Heck, whenever I wanted to have inside info on whether or not to take that job or date that guy or move to that place, all I had to do was pray then sit quietly alone, pen and paper in hand, waiting for the Lord to speak to me. I would write down the first thing that came into mind after having sat quietly. That thing I wrote down would be what the Lord said to me because “be still and know that I am God” and “My sheep know my voice”. I didn’t need to look inside the Bible, I mean come on, Jesus and the Holy Spirit were living inside me. All I needed was within me. I could even get a word for you while I was tapped into the God frequency. I could tell you that I felt God saying this and that to me or that I saw yellow and purple (colours had spiritual meaning yo!). You needn’t worry about the word you got because it was sure to be positive; we kept our negative words to ourselves because negativity encourages no one. It was best not to speak negatively in general because “death and life are in the power of the tongue” and “as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he”.

As you can see, I was taking-Scripture-out-of-context trained ninja. I could make any piece of Scripture about me, or you, but mostly about me. David and Goliath? Well, that was God telling me that I was sure to conquer my Goliath like David did. And my Goliath was sometimes a job interview, actually, insert any sticky situation, annnnnnnddd Goliath! Joseph and his brothers? Easy, that was God telling me that haters would only take me to my God ordained destination. Peter walking on water? Girl please, that was God metaphorically telling me that I would be able to survive any type of challenge that came my way.

The sermons? They were law heavy, Gospel light, chuck full of life tips and entertaining. Watch a Ted talk for a reference, make sure to substitute the word ‘Universe’ with the word ‘Jesus’. As a church, we were bound to the pastor’s vision, a vision that he had received from God of course. The church would then go in whatever direction the pastor’s vision led. Man-made theology and doctrines were taught regularly, often as the doctrines of God. When Scripture was referenced, it was usually out of context and used to support the man-made doctrine or life tip. Although sin was viewed as a no-no, some of us would lie in wait for a private conviction of a sin. That is, although we verbally acknowledged that a certain sin was indeed offensive to God, we were not ready to deal with it. So waiting for a conviction, even though the Bible explicitly stated a particular action as a sin, was fancy talk for, “I don’t feel compelled to act so I will wait for God to compel or engage me emotionally”.

[eltdf_blockquote text=”This was my life. It was what I knew and understood. It was also sadly misdirected; but the best was yet to come, because the Lord, in His mercy, got me out. Over the course of a year, the Lord used the Scriptures to transform me” title_tag=”h2″ width=””]

It completely wrecked the life that I knew. I was introduced to the world of sound biblical exegesis and that changed how I saw everything. The same Bible that I had been reading for years, it turned out, contained pages and pages of stories about the Lord; stories about His goodness, love, grace, mercy, holiness and wrath.

The Lord used a simple “read in context and compare” method on me. I suddenly did not understand why we made up certain things and occasionally taught the doctrines of man as if they were doctrines of God. I no longer understood why our tongues were not a known human language or why there were no consequences for wrong prophesies; this was not the way I saw these gifts modelled in the Scriptures. I could not comprehend why the belief that scripture alone wasn’t enough existed, 2 Timothy 3:16-17 anyone? I did not agree that I somehow still needed vague prophesies to help me move forward. I was dissatisfied with the major cornerstones of the charismatic movement as a whole.

I eventually started asking a lot of questions and with that, came trouble. I got called out for questioning the teachings of men who only spoke about getting rich, or those who urged me to discover the champion in me when all I saw was a sinner set on sinning. I was not permitted to question the late pastor who said that God needed the assistance of men to perform His miracles because He was illegal on earth. I could not call out a “prophet” in an all-female Whatsapp group who felt that she could ban topics about discernment and decide what was spoken about since God had called her to start that group. I could not practice any discernment lest I be found disobedient to God’s warning to “touch not His anointed ones”. I couldn’t even show disgust and anger at the author who wrote a book about making love to God because it was an action capable of holiness since God created love making. What made me, and still makes me irritating to my Charismatic friends, was that I asked why our doctrines and practices were very different from those outlined in Scripture. That made me one who was divisive. My desire to know the Word and to question the man-made practices led a well-meaning friend to accuse me of leaving the Holy Spirit behind. I didn’t quite understand that accusation as it was the Holy Spirit who inspired the written Word.

So I had to leave. I had to start from scratch; heartbroken, a friend or two less, scarred but surer of my faith and more certain that the Lord was pleased to keep me. So I am out of the Charismatic closet and I want to hear about God in every sermon. I want to be pointed to Jesus (who was there on the battlefield) when I hear the story of David and Goliath, not me. I want to be pointed to Jesus when I hear about Joseph becoming a high ranking official in a foreign land. I want to be amazed as I am shown how truly the Scriptures are about Christ, not me, never me. I now know my place in the Scriptures, I am the worthless and pitiful sinner whose sin Christ volunteered to pay for. I am a beneficiary of an expression of love, mercy, and grace by a Holy God that was orchestrated brilliantly. I am right where I belong.

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