My journey into motherhood, like so many of my journeys, started with Jesus. Jesus gently leading me to acknowledge the loss of never going to be able to have biological children. Jesus leading me to mourn, to cry, to surrender and to allow Him to heal me. This was hard, but when it was done I was free, free to move on, free to adopt.

Sadly the process of adopting a child in South Africa is marred with tons of red tape, over-worked social workers, a fair amount of prejudice and even what
one would call bureaucratic sabotage. Potential adoptive parents are often left feeling discouraged, powerless and unsupported, especially when trying to finalize the legal aspects of adopting a child.
When we adopted our daughter, who is turning 11 this month, the process was long, laborious and invasive, but I still consider us as one of the lucky ones, in that our adoption didn’t drag on for years and was not hindered by bureaucracy
and grave incompetence. It was however filled with many hours of probing questions, a long list of paper work we had to get done and an extensive waiting period.

We worked with a well known Johannesburg Adoption Agency and after 7 long
months our application was finally submitted and the waiting period started. I
found this period especially tough! We had no feedback from the agency and I
often felt very alone during this time. It takes a fair amount of faith to wait for an
unknown baby. To choose a name for this unknown baby. Prepare a room for
her. To pray for her. An unknown baby from a stranger who we would never
know, but to whom we would be forever connected. There are so many
unknowns when adopting, so many “ifs”, so many questions, doubts and fears.
An overwhelming degree of the adoption process is out of your control, you
really just have to let go and trust God.

The adoption process is emotionally draining. I will never forget the day that our session with our social worker consisted of the following questions: ‘Would you be open to adopting a child with physical disabilities? Would you consider
a baby who’s birth mom was raped? The baby of a drug addict? How about adopting a baby who has a history of mental illness in her family?” One answers these questions prayerfully and with a great deal of sadness and a weighty sense of responsibility.

One Friday morning we got, what is known in adoption circles as “The Call”! We had been matched with a baby. The wait was finally over. Now I finally knew that our little girl was nearly 7 months old and we could finalize the shopping list
and announce the long expected and wonderful news! It is a mad rush to get everything ready, a wonderfully sweet rush! The following week, we flew to Durban to meet our precious little one. As she was placed in my arms the long wait became a distant memory. It was done. Our daughter. At last! The next morning we made a quick court visit and then we brought our prefect little girl home….forever. The wonder of adoption is truly that this little person I have never met before is instantly connected to me. A connection planned and executed by my Heavenly Father. It is really difficult to put into words, but it is as if your heart just opens and receives this precious gift, no questions asked. I accepted and embraced her as my daughter 100%.
Having said that, bonding with your adopted baby does take time. When your baby comes home all is new and the journey from ‘strangers’ to mom-and-baby that unfolds is beautiful and in many ways sacred to me. All relationships take work and attachments take time to form. When we adopted our third baby, my then 5 year old son asked me: ”Mommy how will the baby know you are his mommy?”. I loved the honesty of his question. I told him the the baby would learn to know that I am his mommy as I care for and loved him[eltdf_blockquote text=”The gift of Adoption has taught me that when My Father says we are His children, it means that we are instantly and completely and forever accepted as His. It has taught me to trust God deeply and fully. ” title_tag=”h2″ width=””]. I have learned that when I surrender and allow Jesus in, He becomes intimately involved in the details of my life. I have learnt to ‘go with God’ no matter what, no matter where He leads me. And, whether it makes sense to me or not, I have learnt to trust that He knows best, even and especially when it hurts.

I am now, mother to my four beautiful children and I still stand amazed at how God has worked out the details. How He took 4 motherless children and a childless couple and put us together ….in a family, perfectly matched in Him, forever.

The post Healing…Adoption…Completion appeared first on Proverbs 31.

We as a family have walked this dark road. Many walked it with us. It changed us and it changed them. This is part of our story. We cannot change that. We became those parents in 2003 when our daughter Laura, aged 7, was diagnosed with a neuroblastoma, a malignant soft tissue tumour, on her adrenal gland.

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When you hear the word ‘cancer’, the world shakes beneath you and all becomes blurry, just for a second. Disbelief and denial are short-lived.

Very quickly your ‘mother bear’ instincts set in and

you become the protector, the fighter.

This is your child. That is your job.

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That diagnosis propelled us into the next 14 months which were a whirlwind of blood tests, scans, hospital stays, blood transfusions, chemo protocols, surgery, radiation, a brief remission, more blood tests, chemo, infections and ICU. The Paediatric Oncology ward became our second home, the nurses our family and the oncologist, Dr Charmaine, our friend.

Our family and our church rallied around us while I was at the hospital with Laura. They prayed for us. They cared for us. Laura’s school was sensitive and accommodating.

Yet one of the issues we faced on that journey was how individuals struggled to relate to us as a family and to Laura. This was our new reality. We had to cope. Others did not know how. And that is normal. Our default is avoidance. We are reluctant to look suffering in the face. It makes us uncomfortable.

A few years after Laura’s death, a mom asked me how she could minister to and support a friend whose son had recently been diagnosed with cancer.

She wanted to know what had practically encouraged me and been helpful to me when Laura was undergoing treatment:

Here was my advice to her:

Never underestimate practical help as a unique means of grace.

When Laura had to be in hospital for her chemo (which was usually 2-3 days at a time), one of my friends would organise a roster with friends to pick up and drop off my boys from school. This was a huge burden off me as I did not have to personally organise people to help. I would just give her the schedule and she would arrange it all for me and let me know who was doing what for those days.

Obviously meals for us as a family was a huge help when Laura was in hospital as either Andrew or I would stay with her. Normal routines and schedules no longer existed. (Flexibility was my new friend and I had to become a quick learner).

As I had to spend so much time in the hospital with Laura, it was really helpful when others would offer to come and keep her company (obviously people she felt comfortable with) so that I could just get out and do errands or spend some time with Reece and Devon so that they did not always feel side-lined. It was also good for Laura, as a child undergoing chemo can feel isolated and become overly dependent on Mom.

When Laura was in for chemo, it was wonderful when friends used to come and drink coffee with me at the hospital to keep me company for a short while. As a mom, your world shrinks and you can feel cut off from the outside world.

Children undergoing chemo are still normal children (just going through a really tough time) and most of the time they just want to carry on as children doing the normal routines as far as they are allowed regarding their treatment and blood count levels. So encouraging other children (their friends) to visit them in the hospital (if allowed) and playing games with them or watching a movie with them keeps their spirits up. It is also good for the other children to treat them as normal and to not avoid them.

When you do visit the mom, try not to make ‘helpful suggestions’ as to what latest medical or natural alternatives there are to help heal her child and don’t bombard her with medical articles etc.

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As a mom you are so overwhelmed with so much medical information regarding the treatment and cancer – that other people’s personal

experience or “Google” knowledge is not helpful.

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Engage with the mom where she is at and show an interest in the treatment and some of the details. This is her world now. As parents, they have had to look at all the options with their Oncologist and have chosen a course which they feel is wise and best for their child.

Meet with the mom regularly to pray or go through a Bible study book. This is a consistent way to encourage her and to walk the road with her as her routines become erratic and can change on a blood count result. She will often miss out on fellowship at Church.

Don’t forget the Dad. Dad’s generally struggle to talk about what they are going through as they cannot fix this situation. So make sure there are some who keep regular, continuous contact with the dad to encourage him in this trial.

A child undergoing cancer normally means a long road of many months – so there are not many friends who can walk the long haul and stay committed. That takes sacrifice. It can be exhausting, but for those who do, it is a blessing and a joy for both parties. An opportunity to witness God at work in big and little ways.

Encouraging the mom to keep a true biblical perspective is helpful, but the constant sending of random verses and over-spiritualising things is not.

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This can often be perceived as superficial. Show empathy and

not sympathy. Sympathy can often come across as

patronising and condescending.

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Be prepared to sometimes just cry with her and let her share her heart emotions and fears without feeling you have to give her a solution or some profound spiritual answer. ‘Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.’ (Proverbs 12:25).

‘Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.’ (Proverbs 25:11)

Don’t always talk ‘treatment talk’ and ‘medical talk’ with the mom and especially not in front of the child. Talk about general things and share some laughs and fun conversations. Although the Paediatric Oncology world is a huge part of her life, it is not her whole life and she still wants to feel part of the outside world.

It is also helpful to facilitate for the whole family to go away for a weekend as a good distraction. A child undergoing chemo can often get depressed and this is good quality time for the whole family.

Arrange to babysit all the children in the family so that Mom and Dad can have some time alone to regroup and connect and support each other. This trial can place huge strain on a marriage.

A gentle and personal word to the mom whose heart is so burdened for her child with cancer, who feels she will bend and break under the weight of this trial:

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It is easy to become cocooned in the crisis and push others away.

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It is hard to accept all the help offered.

It is humbling to be on the receiving end of grace.

It is scary to invite others into your heartache and pain.

But special friendships are formed when you open your heart to the willing and loving care of others.

Their kind words are like honey, their acts of service are a sweet balm to an aching heart and their comforting presence is sweet fellowship.

Just an aisde:

Be reminded of the fatherly care of God in Isaiah 40:11:

‘He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young,’ and Jesus’ tender and compassionate words in Matthew 12:20: ‘A bruised reed he will not break.’

Hold on tightly to this promise from Hebrews 4:15-16: ‘For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.’

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In Romans 12:9 Paul begins a section about love being without hypocrisy and being devoted to one another in brotherly love, contributing to the needs of the saints and weeping with those who weep.

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John Calvin comments on weeping with those who weep as follows:

‘A general truth is laid down: the faithful, regarding each other with mutual affection, are to consider the condition of others as their own.

For such is the nature of true love, that one prefers to weep with his brother, rather than to look at a distance on his grief and to live in pleasure or ease.

What is meant then is that we, as much as possible, ought to sympathize with one another, and that, whatever our lot may be, each should transfer to himself the feeling of another, whether of grief in adversity or of joy in prosperity. And, doubtless, not to regard with joy the happiness of a brother is envy; and not to grieve for his misfortunes is inhumanity.’

Let there be such a sympathy among us as may at the same time adapt us to all kinds of feelings.

This is not a choice.

This is what it means to be family, God’s way.

The rewards far outweigh the sacrifice.

The post Weeping with those who weep appeared first on Proverbs 31.

Okay okay. Some might wonder what the lordship of Christ would have to do with art yet alone culture, especially when considering that for decades the church has seemed rather apathetic to both. The best way I can tackle this (without turning this post into a book) is by taking a walk through the gospel narrative that runs through the pages of the Scriptures.

The song of creation in the first chapter of Genesis is simply beautiful; God spoke everything into being and all He created was good. The climax of God’s design was the creation of man, whom He made in His own image. What’s more, He described mankind as “very good”. In subsequent chapters, God gave both the male and female a mandate to tend the garden, to keep it and to preserve it. Life was as it was supposed to be: Utopia. Then, the most unfortunate event took place.  The first image-bearers of God, Adam and Eve, were deceived.  Immediately following this deception, they chose to directly disobey God by indulging in fruit he forbade them to eat or to even touch. However, they ate it and thus became separated from God. All of creation was tainted; the first sin cultivated the breeding ground for all forms of distortion, even distorting the way we engage in the world around us and especially distorting the heart within us. 

[eltdf_blockquote text=”The plunge of the whole human race into darkness left us in dire need of redemption. For the Christian, the redemption of the soul begins and ends in Jesus Christ. In fact, the redemption of all things (think culture, relationships, art and even womanhood) is no different than the redeeming of one’s soul; Jesus Christ is the focus.” title_tag=”h2″ width=””] One may ask, “Why have I been redeemed?” We have been redeemed so that we can understand the purpose of God’s design for life. I like how the Westminster Catechism puts it, saying, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever.” (1 Cor 10:31) We can only do this because of what Jesus accomplished on the cross for all who believe. Great! That is the bottom line. Yet all too often, one may sit and gaze at this truth and still wonder if one is doing things right. Take the classic case of the redeemed artist who is plagued with questions about whether or not artwork is a good and godly thing. Consider the accountant who ponders how balancing a ledger pleases God? What does the outworking of faith look and feel like?

We can take comfort in this: Christ always has been and always will be Lord over all. Colossians 1v15-23 helps us understand this. It reads,

“The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. ¹⁷ He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.”

One of the greatest advocates of the lordship of Christ over the whole man (as opposed to the view many hold fast to: that Christ has come to only save the soul and equip missionaries and gospel workers, and that God pays no mind to the rest of life) is Dr. Francis Schaeffer who uses art to set the platform for us to enter into good discussion or great debate about Christ’s lordship. He states in his book, Art and the Bible:

“As Evangelical Christians we have tended to relegate art to the very fringe of life… We have misunderstood the very concept of the Lordship of Christ over the whole man and the whole universe and have not taken to us the riches that the Bible gives us for ourselves, for our lives and for our culture. The lordship of Christ over the whole of life means that there is no platonic areas in Christianity, no dichotomy or hierarchy between the body and the soul. God made the body as well as the soul and redemption is for the whole man…God made the whole man…In Christ the whole man is redeemed…Christ is the Lord of the whole man now and the Lord of the whole Christian life and…in the future as Christ comes back, the body will be raised from the dead and the whole man will have a whole redemption. It is within this framework that we are to understand the place of art [and all things*] in the Christian life.” *Interjection mine

The struggle for us women to present all that we are before the Lord is real, especially in an age of multiple choice. Should I be married or stay single to work in the mission field?  Should I study architecture or nursing? Should I home-school or pursue a career as a marketing executive? Whatever the struggle, present it to the Lord who cares not only for you, but about what you do. He is Lord over all. Abraham Kuyper summed this up superbly when he said,

“There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is sovereign over all, does not cry, Mine!”

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