1) Personal Gospel living

The principle of Deuteronomy 6:4-9 shows that the prerequisite to teaching our children about God, and by implication then sharing the gospel with them, is to live the gospel ourselves. Sharing the gospel with our children must be preceded by a love for the Lord our God. This is the first step. If we do not truly worship God as the only God and love Him more than anything else with all that we have, our children will simply see us as hypocrites and this will cast doubt in their mind over the Gospel. They need to see us, their parents worship God daily, not only in our quiet times or family worship, but daily in every task that we undertake, our love for the one true God should be evident. It is true that with children many things are caught rather than taught.

Children learn well by observation. Therefore our example of Gospel living or our devoted love for God is a nonnegotiable in imparting the truth of the Gospel to our children. We are aware that our example cannot be perfect, even though we are saved, we still sin. But this also provides the perfect opportunity for the Gospel as we point them to the only perfect example, Jesus in whom we have forgiveness when we fail. As parents we need to ask forgiveness from our children when we have wronged them, when we lack compassion or when we exasperate them. They should see that we have a very deep and real need for forgiveness from our heavenly Father.

2) Personal teaching of the Gospel

In our endeavour to share the gospel with our children, it is of utmost importance that the gospel is evident in every aspect of our daily lives, because it is so relevant for every circumstance that we find ourselves in. There are countless opportunities every day to share the gospel: when we discipline our children, when we share a meal, when we experience nature and when we take them to church. As parents we need to be on the lookout for every opportunity to teach the gospel to our children. Nowhere in Scripture is it mentioned that we must start engaging in this process from a particular age, nor is it mentioned that we must ever stop engaging in this process at any given time.

The Lord’s commandments are to be the continual subject of daily conversation, it doesn’t require a special occasion, but should be linked to every aspect of daily life. As a parent of young ones, I am constantly aware of their depraved nature (and mine) and therefore I cannot reason any other way that they have a need for the gospel from the very first breath that they take. From that very moment they are little sinners that are in need of a Saviour. They need to hear the gospel proclaimed to them throughout each day, for without hearing how will they believe? (Rom 10:17)

I was blessed as my boys and I read through parts of Daniel, Ester, Jonah and Ezra as was discussed during Sunday School lessons. I was able to show them that these were not mere stories, but that Scripture has a golden thread throughout and that the memory verses that we have been learning could be seen as tangible evidence in some of these characters’ lives.

For example, we were able to see that Daniel was a living example of Proverbs 1:7a and therefore he did not fear or refrained from praying to God when orders were given to do so, he also had wisdom as given by God to interpret various dreams. Another fitting and challenging verse (to both children and parents) that we recently encountered in our home is Galatians 5:22 “The fruit of the Spirit”. Again it fitted a Sunday School preparation. In Esther 6, we were able to see that Mordecai did what was right in the eyes of the Lord as he demonstrated love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. We do not teach the Word of the Lord to our children so that they can become Pharisees who are able to recite Scripture and catechisms in vain conceit, yet inwardly remain unchanged.

We do not teach Scripture to our children so that they can become outwardly obedient and pleasant children. We also do not teach the Word of the Lord to our children in order to save them ourselves. 1 Corinthians 3:6-7 says “I planted, Apollos watered, but God was causing the growth. Neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but God who causes the growth.” God is the one who saves, not by our works of wonderful parenting, but by grace through faith, salvation is a gift from the Lord. Yet, we do acknowledge the stewardship we have from God in this regard. If the law appeals to our conscience and makes us aware of our sin (Romans 7) then knowing the Word of God would become a compass for the conscience of our children that should drive them from the folly that is bound up in their hearts, safely into the arms of Christ.

3) Corporate worship

Our children need to see that we have a desire to worship God along with other believers and for this reason they should from a young age learn to be part of a corporate worship service so that they can see how to praise God appropriately in a corporate setting through singing, prayer and preaching. This gives them the opportunity to see God worshipped by other Gospel transformed believers. We should not underestimate the impact a Gospel believing, Gospel preaching church has on our children. Therefore, we ought to make the most of corporate worship gatherings.

Robbie Castleman describes in her book “Parenting in the pew”, that our goal in church is not to teach our children merely to behave and sit quietly so that they are not a hindrance to other worshippers. She explains that many adults still do just that, sit quietly in a service while they are unmoved by the Word of God. Worshipping God in spirit and in truth does not come easily or naturally, it is hard work. We want to teach our children to be attentive during worship as we come into the presence of the Holy God. It’s a matter of training the heart to hear and respond to the Gospel, not just the outward result of sitting still without disturbing anyone. In this corporate setting children see much of the Gospel lived out. Every aspect of the worship service is a proclamation of and response to the Gospel. At church children are confronted with the Gospel through the Gospel prayers, the Gospel singing, the Gospel read out loud form the Scriptures, the Gospel expounded upon through the preaching, the Gospel administered through the ordinances of Baptism and the Lord’s Supper. As our children watch us worship God corporately at church they should see that we come before the Lord with alert minds and our hearts that are open to worship the King who save us from our sin.

Conclusion…

I am convinced that Deuteronomy 6:7 uses the word diligently to encourage us as parents because this is no easy task. Yet two things drive us to this tenacious devotion to gospel ministry to our children: a passion for God’s glory, and a compassion for our children.

a) A passion for God’s Glory Our task of living and sharing the gospel with our children primarily is a matter of obedience, obedience because we are commanded to do this just like Israel was commanded in Deuteronomy 6. And our obedience glorifies God.

Furthermore, until our children submit to the One True and Living God by turning away from their sin to trust in the cross of Christ, they are not glorifying God. We should be grieved by their sin because they are committing it against the Holy God and not because it is making our lives difficult.

b) A compassion for our children The task demands patience and endurance as well as compassion that flow from a heart that has been forgiven by our Master and Maker. Jesus had compassion on His children and therefore endured pain, suffering and separation from God on the cross. Because Jesus had compassion on us, we ought to have compassion on our children also. Grace has been demonstrated to us, we too should be gracious onto our children, and teach them the Word of the Lord so that they will glorify God through their lives.

In my own life I have seen that parenting is still a joy even when it is hard to discipline and disciple our children, but it’s only when I look to my Saviour for grace and to give me the compassion that I need for my little ones.

May we be encouraged by the sufficiency of Scripture and it’s relevancy in every situation of our daily lives however mundane the situation might seem. There is peace and comfort in the daunting task of sharing the gospel with our children as we find our rest and assurance in our great God and Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ.

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I’m sorry.

That monumental exchange when your son became my son was more than two years ago. I have not written once. In all honesty, I don’t give you much thought at all. I promised myself that I would. In fact, before yours became mine, in a sentimental-yet-sincere letter to you, I promised that I would remember you, that I would hold you high in my (our?) son’s life. I know that you never read the letter, but still. I promised you. I promised me.

How is it fair or just or decent that I rarely give you a thought? The woman who conceived and carried and birthed my child; the woman somewhere out there in the vast unknown who surely wonders about me more than I wonder about her.

I have broken my word. And I guess this letter is a confession of sorts. A confession of wrong-doing, with no clear idea of what right-doing looks like.

Because I don’t know how to do this. Any of it.

How do I nurture this unnatural relationship I find myself in with a woman who is both an utter stranger and yet whose life and choices are linked to mine in a way that can never be unclasped?

How do I hold you up in my son’s remembrance when I have nothing to raise?

In that pre-adoption letter that you have never received, I thanked you for your gift to my family. I commended your courage. Were those words a platitude? Would you, the woman who gave up so much, take comfort in those words written by me, the woman who understood the magnitude of the giving so little?

Birth mothers are brave. That’s what we all say. It gives us mothers-by-adoption consolation, I think. It gives us a detour from the uncomfortable sense of unfairness that I have him. That he is mine.

Birth mothers are brave, I tell myself so that I can escape the suspicion that you carry an unimaginable load of grief. The uncomfortable sense that I perhaps somehow inflicted your grief by taking him when you gave him.

But are you brave? I wonder. Without a doubt, that moment, that huge moment when everything changed for you, for him, for me…that was brave. But every moment since? When changing your mind was not possible? When the course of The Choice was set and there could be no reverse, no U-turn…were you brave then? Has your bravery endured?

I don’t know how you get through the days, or, God help you, the nights. Maybe you don’t. Maybe your life is hell as you grieve the loss of your child. Do you mourn? Do you regret? Do you keen silently where no one sees as you go on with your days, forever marked by That Day?

Forgive me for not grieving over your grief. For not wearing my knees raw in prayer for the woman who knew my son before I even knew of him. For not carrying you in my heart, as you carried him in your womb.

We are inextricably linked, you and I. By a tender little daydreamer. To know him is to love him. You knew him first, so I can only conclude that you must love him too.

There are many things I know about him that you have no idea of. His sleepy wake-up face. The sweet way he says “Sissie.” How he tells me every day “Me miss Daddy” while Daddy is at work. His hilarious stride as he runs. The way that it took him 7 months to master riding his training bike.

But, you see, there are things that you know about him that I don’t. The feel of his movements in your womb. The time of his birth. What he looked like as he slipped out from you into the world. His biological father’s name.

[eltdf_blockquote text=”And I’m realising that without your son there can be no my son. As he grows, he will want to know more of you. And I wish I could give him more. Because you and I…together we complete him.” title_tag=”h2″ width=””]

He is doing well, our son. Just fine. He loves and he is loved. He is bookended by a big sister and a baby brother. His precious life is surrounded by so many people who adore him. He is precocious and funny and sweet and tender. And he is fine.

With each new revelation of his budding sweet personality that surely could not have come from me, I wonder about you. I think of you. And maybe that can be my gift to you; my hopelessly inadequate show of gratitude to the woman who gave him to me.

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Foster Mama, I See You

My parents and sisters’ home has been a place of safety for the past 5 years, and they have loved on and launched twelve the children into the arms of their forever families. This piece was written late one night, as I grieved with them over the difficult goodbyes they were saying to “their” little boy, whom they had loved for over a year.

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We as a family have walked this dark road. Many walked it with us. It changed us and it changed them. This is part of our story. We cannot change that. We became those parents in 2003 when our daughter Laura, aged 7, was diagnosed with a neuroblastoma, a malignant soft tissue tumour, on her adrenal gland.

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When you hear the word ‘cancer’, the world shakes beneath you and all becomes blurry, just for a second. Disbelief and denial are short-lived.

Very quickly your ‘mother bear’ instincts set in and

you become the protector, the fighter.

This is your child. That is your job.

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That diagnosis propelled us into the next 14 months which were a whirlwind of blood tests, scans, hospital stays, blood transfusions, chemo protocols, surgery, radiation, a brief remission, more blood tests, chemo, infections and ICU. The Paediatric Oncology ward became our second home, the nurses our family and the oncologist, Dr Charmaine, our friend.

Our family and our church rallied around us while I was at the hospital with Laura. They prayed for us. They cared for us. Laura’s school was sensitive and accommodating.

Yet one of the issues we faced on that journey was how individuals struggled to relate to us as a family and to Laura. This was our new reality. We had to cope. Others did not know how. And that is normal. Our default is avoidance. We are reluctant to look suffering in the face. It makes us uncomfortable.

A few years after Laura’s death, a mom asked me how she could minister to and support a friend whose son had recently been diagnosed with cancer.

She wanted to know what had practically encouraged me and been helpful to me when Laura was undergoing treatment:

Here was my advice to her:

Never underestimate practical help as a unique means of grace.

When Laura had to be in hospital for her chemo (which was usually 2-3 days at a time), one of my friends would organise a roster with friends to pick up and drop off my boys from school. This was a huge burden off me as I did not have to personally organise people to help. I would just give her the schedule and she would arrange it all for me and let me know who was doing what for those days.

Obviously meals for us as a family was a huge help when Laura was in hospital as either Andrew or I would stay with her. Normal routines and schedules no longer existed. (Flexibility was my new friend and I had to become a quick learner).

As I had to spend so much time in the hospital with Laura, it was really helpful when others would offer to come and keep her company (obviously people she felt comfortable with) so that I could just get out and do errands or spend some time with Reece and Devon so that they did not always feel side-lined. It was also good for Laura, as a child undergoing chemo can feel isolated and become overly dependent on Mom.

When Laura was in for chemo, it was wonderful when friends used to come and drink coffee with me at the hospital to keep me company for a short while. As a mom, your world shrinks and you can feel cut off from the outside world.

Children undergoing chemo are still normal children (just going through a really tough time) and most of the time they just want to carry on as children doing the normal routines as far as they are allowed regarding their treatment and blood count levels. So encouraging other children (their friends) to visit them in the hospital (if allowed) and playing games with them or watching a movie with them keeps their spirits up. It is also good for the other children to treat them as normal and to not avoid them.

When you do visit the mom, try not to make ‘helpful suggestions’ as to what latest medical or natural alternatives there are to help heal her child and don’t bombard her with medical articles etc.

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As a mom you are so overwhelmed with so much medical information regarding the treatment and cancer – that other people’s personal

experience or “Google” knowledge is not helpful.

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Engage with the mom where she is at and show an interest in the treatment and some of the details. This is her world now. As parents, they have had to look at all the options with their Oncologist and have chosen a course which they feel is wise and best for their child.

Meet with the mom regularly to pray or go through a Bible study book. This is a consistent way to encourage her and to walk the road with her as her routines become erratic and can change on a blood count result. She will often miss out on fellowship at Church.

Don’t forget the Dad. Dad’s generally struggle to talk about what they are going through as they cannot fix this situation. So make sure there are some who keep regular, continuous contact with the dad to encourage him in this trial.

A child undergoing cancer normally means a long road of many months – so there are not many friends who can walk the long haul and stay committed. That takes sacrifice. It can be exhausting, but for those who do, it is a blessing and a joy for both parties. An opportunity to witness God at work in big and little ways.

Encouraging the mom to keep a true biblical perspective is helpful, but the constant sending of random verses and over-spiritualising things is not.

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This can often be perceived as superficial. Show empathy and

not sympathy. Sympathy can often come across as

patronising and condescending.

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Be prepared to sometimes just cry with her and let her share her heart emotions and fears without feeling you have to give her a solution or some profound spiritual answer. ‘Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.’ (Proverbs 12:25).

‘Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.’ (Proverbs 25:11)

Don’t always talk ‘treatment talk’ and ‘medical talk’ with the mom and especially not in front of the child. Talk about general things and share some laughs and fun conversations. Although the Paediatric Oncology world is a huge part of her life, it is not her whole life and she still wants to feel part of the outside world.

It is also helpful to facilitate for the whole family to go away for a weekend as a good distraction. A child undergoing chemo can often get depressed and this is good quality time for the whole family.

Arrange to babysit all the children in the family so that Mom and Dad can have some time alone to regroup and connect and support each other. This trial can place huge strain on a marriage.

A gentle and personal word to the mom whose heart is so burdened for her child with cancer, who feels she will bend and break under the weight of this trial:

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It is easy to become cocooned in the crisis and push others away.

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It is hard to accept all the help offered.

It is humbling to be on the receiving end of grace.

It is scary to invite others into your heartache and pain.

But special friendships are formed when you open your heart to the willing and loving care of others.

Their kind words are like honey, their acts of service are a sweet balm to an aching heart and their comforting presence is sweet fellowship.

Just an aisde:

Be reminded of the fatherly care of God in Isaiah 40:11:

‘He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young,’ and Jesus’ tender and compassionate words in Matthew 12:20: ‘A bruised reed he will not break.’

Hold on tightly to this promise from Hebrews 4:15-16: ‘For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.’

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In Romans 12:9 Paul begins a section about love being without hypocrisy and being devoted to one another in brotherly love, contributing to the needs of the saints and weeping with those who weep.

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John Calvin comments on weeping with those who weep as follows:

‘A general truth is laid down: the faithful, regarding each other with mutual affection, are to consider the condition of others as their own.

For such is the nature of true love, that one prefers to weep with his brother, rather than to look at a distance on his grief and to live in pleasure or ease.

What is meant then is that we, as much as possible, ought to sympathize with one another, and that, whatever our lot may be, each should transfer to himself the feeling of another, whether of grief in adversity or of joy in prosperity. And, doubtless, not to regard with joy the happiness of a brother is envy; and not to grieve for his misfortunes is inhumanity.’

Let there be such a sympathy among us as may at the same time adapt us to all kinds of feelings.

This is not a choice.

This is what it means to be family, God’s way.

The rewards far outweigh the sacrifice.

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