Yet our awe and wonder has been mingled with fear and anxiety. As she grows I increasingly become aware of the incredible responsibility God has given my husband and I as stewards over this little life. This responsibility was less obvious when she was a helpless babe and all I had to do was feed, bath and change her. Now that she can speak, negotiate, throw tantrums and express her feelings, my role in her life is evolving from primarily being a caregiver to a more formative influence.

I realise that what I am doing now and for the next 16 years or so will largely determine her experiences and worldview. The kind of wife and mother she will become one day; I would have modelled that for her. The kind of citizen, student, employee she becomes; her convictions or lack thereof; her fears and failures; I would have played a big role in shaping that. And that’s a scary thought.

I was saved in my mid 20s and often when I look back on my life I wish the Lord would have saved me at a younger age so that I could have avoided the many pitfalls of a life lived without Christ. I know that Christ has saved me completely and washed all my sins away but I also know that one of the consequences of sin is that we get to live with the memories and sometimes the consequences of our misdeeds. This is probably my greatest fear for my daughter; that the allure of the world would draw her heart away from Christ.

But our fears and anxieties are only debilitating when we do not subject them to the scrutiny of scripture. God promises us a peace that surpasses all understanding when we surrender our anxieties to him through prayer. (Philippians 4:6). I am learning to pray and lean on Jesus to overcome my fears. I pray grand prayers and I prayer small prayers. When I pray grand prayers, I ask the Lord to save my baby at a young age and spare her the regret of living a wasted life, that she may own Christ as her King long before the world claims her heart. I pray that He may rescue her from the mistakes that I am going to make and let not my fears and inhibitions limit her possibilities.

But I confess that the little prayers are the ones I find myself praying more often. In his book on marriage, “What did you Expect? Redeeming the realities of marriage”, Paul Tripp says that marriage is made up of many little moments. He adds further that “the character of a life is not set in two or three dramatic moments, but in 10,000 little moments.” I think of parenting in the same way. It’s the daily, ordinary moments where character is formed and relationship built. It’s choosing to be patient when she poops in her panties for the umpteenth time. To not snap when she says an emphatic “No!” and walks away while I’m speaking to her. Or simply persevering in teaching her ABCs when it looks like she isn’t listening. I pray for daily (sometimes minute by minute) patience, kindness and humility.

My hope is that over her lifetime these ordinary moments that we share will be woven into a beautiful tapestry of grace and Christlikeness. I know I will fumble and fail along the way but by God’s help I pray that the evidence will point overwhelmingly towards a life lived in dependence on Christ.

The post Praying As We Parent appeared first on Proverbs 31.

1) Personal Gospel living

The principle of Deuteronomy 6:4-9 shows that the prerequisite to teaching our children about God, and by implication then sharing the gospel with them, is to live the gospel ourselves. Sharing the gospel with our children must be preceded by a love for the Lord our God. This is the first step. If we do not truly worship God as the only God and love Him more than anything else with all that we have, our children will simply see us as hypocrites and this will cast doubt in their mind over the Gospel. They need to see us, their parents worship God daily, not only in our quiet times or family worship, but daily in every task that we undertake, our love for the one true God should be evident. It is true that with children many things are caught rather than taught.

Children learn well by observation. Therefore our example of Gospel living or our devoted love for God is a nonnegotiable in imparting the truth of the Gospel to our children. We are aware that our example cannot be perfect, even though we are saved, we still sin. But this also provides the perfect opportunity for the Gospel as we point them to the only perfect example, Jesus in whom we have forgiveness when we fail. As parents we need to ask forgiveness from our children when we have wronged them, when we lack compassion or when we exasperate them. They should see that we have a very deep and real need for forgiveness from our heavenly Father.

2) Personal teaching of the Gospel

In our endeavour to share the gospel with our children, it is of utmost importance that the gospel is evident in every aspect of our daily lives, because it is so relevant for every circumstance that we find ourselves in. There are countless opportunities every day to share the gospel: when we discipline our children, when we share a meal, when we experience nature and when we take them to church. As parents we need to be on the lookout for every opportunity to teach the gospel to our children. Nowhere in Scripture is it mentioned that we must start engaging in this process from a particular age, nor is it mentioned that we must ever stop engaging in this process at any given time.

The Lord’s commandments are to be the continual subject of daily conversation, it doesn’t require a special occasion, but should be linked to every aspect of daily life. As a parent of young ones, I am constantly aware of their depraved nature (and mine) and therefore I cannot reason any other way that they have a need for the gospel from the very first breath that they take. From that very moment they are little sinners that are in need of a Saviour. They need to hear the gospel proclaimed to them throughout each day, for without hearing how will they believe? (Rom 10:17)

I was blessed as my boys and I read through parts of Daniel, Ester, Jonah and Ezra as was discussed during Sunday School lessons. I was able to show them that these were not mere stories, but that Scripture has a golden thread throughout and that the memory verses that we have been learning could be seen as tangible evidence in some of these characters’ lives.

For example, we were able to see that Daniel was a living example of Proverbs 1:7a and therefore he did not fear or refrained from praying to God when orders were given to do so, he also had wisdom as given by God to interpret various dreams. Another fitting and challenging verse (to both children and parents) that we recently encountered in our home is Galatians 5:22 “The fruit of the Spirit”. Again it fitted a Sunday School preparation. In Esther 6, we were able to see that Mordecai did what was right in the eyes of the Lord as he demonstrated love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. We do not teach the Word of the Lord to our children so that they can become Pharisees who are able to recite Scripture and catechisms in vain conceit, yet inwardly remain unchanged.

We do not teach Scripture to our children so that they can become outwardly obedient and pleasant children. We also do not teach the Word of the Lord to our children in order to save them ourselves. 1 Corinthians 3:6-7 says “I planted, Apollos watered, but God was causing the growth. Neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but God who causes the growth.” God is the one who saves, not by our works of wonderful parenting, but by grace through faith, salvation is a gift from the Lord. Yet, we do acknowledge the stewardship we have from God in this regard. If the law appeals to our conscience and makes us aware of our sin (Romans 7) then knowing the Word of God would become a compass for the conscience of our children that should drive them from the folly that is bound up in their hearts, safely into the arms of Christ.

3) Corporate worship

Our children need to see that we have a desire to worship God along with other believers and for this reason they should from a young age learn to be part of a corporate worship service so that they can see how to praise God appropriately in a corporate setting through singing, prayer and preaching. This gives them the opportunity to see God worshipped by other Gospel transformed believers. We should not underestimate the impact a Gospel believing, Gospel preaching church has on our children. Therefore, we ought to make the most of corporate worship gatherings.

Robbie Castleman describes in her book “Parenting in the pew”, that our goal in church is not to teach our children merely to behave and sit quietly so that they are not a hindrance to other worshippers. She explains that many adults still do just that, sit quietly in a service while they are unmoved by the Word of God. Worshipping God in spirit and in truth does not come easily or naturally, it is hard work. We want to teach our children to be attentive during worship as we come into the presence of the Holy God. It’s a matter of training the heart to hear and respond to the Gospel, not just the outward result of sitting still without disturbing anyone. In this corporate setting children see much of the Gospel lived out. Every aspect of the worship service is a proclamation of and response to the Gospel. At church children are confronted with the Gospel through the Gospel prayers, the Gospel singing, the Gospel read out loud form the Scriptures, the Gospel expounded upon through the preaching, the Gospel administered through the ordinances of Baptism and the Lord’s Supper. As our children watch us worship God corporately at church they should see that we come before the Lord with alert minds and our hearts that are open to worship the King who save us from our sin.

Conclusion…

I am convinced that Deuteronomy 6:7 uses the word diligently to encourage us as parents because this is no easy task. Yet two things drive us to this tenacious devotion to gospel ministry to our children: a passion for God’s glory, and a compassion for our children.

a) A passion for God’s Glory Our task of living and sharing the gospel with our children primarily is a matter of obedience, obedience because we are commanded to do this just like Israel was commanded in Deuteronomy 6. And our obedience glorifies God.

Furthermore, until our children submit to the One True and Living God by turning away from their sin to trust in the cross of Christ, they are not glorifying God. We should be grieved by their sin because they are committing it against the Holy God and not because it is making our lives difficult.

b) A compassion for our children The task demands patience and endurance as well as compassion that flow from a heart that has been forgiven by our Master and Maker. Jesus had compassion on His children and therefore endured pain, suffering and separation from God on the cross. Because Jesus had compassion on us, we ought to have compassion on our children also. Grace has been demonstrated to us, we too should be gracious onto our children, and teach them the Word of the Lord so that they will glorify God through their lives.

In my own life I have seen that parenting is still a joy even when it is hard to discipline and disciple our children, but it’s only when I look to my Saviour for grace and to give me the compassion that I need for my little ones.

May we be encouraged by the sufficiency of Scripture and it’s relevancy in every situation of our daily lives however mundane the situation might seem. There is peace and comfort in the daunting task of sharing the gospel with our children as we find our rest and assurance in our great God and Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ.

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I’m sorry.

That monumental exchange when your son became my son was more than two years ago. I have not written once. In all honesty, I don’t give you much thought at all. I promised myself that I would. In fact, before yours became mine, in a sentimental-yet-sincere letter to you, I promised that I would remember you, that I would hold you high in my (our?) son’s life. I know that you never read the letter, but still. I promised you. I promised me.

How is it fair or just or decent that I rarely give you a thought? The woman who conceived and carried and birthed my child; the woman somewhere out there in the vast unknown who surely wonders about me more than I wonder about her.

I have broken my word. And I guess this letter is a confession of sorts. A confession of wrong-doing, with no clear idea of what right-doing looks like.

Because I don’t know how to do this. Any of it.

How do I nurture this unnatural relationship I find myself in with a woman who is both an utter stranger and yet whose life and choices are linked to mine in a way that can never be unclasped?

How do I hold you up in my son’s remembrance when I have nothing to raise?

In that pre-adoption letter that you have never received, I thanked you for your gift to my family. I commended your courage. Were those words a platitude? Would you, the woman who gave up so much, take comfort in those words written by me, the woman who understood the magnitude of the giving so little?

Birth mothers are brave. That’s what we all say. It gives us mothers-by-adoption consolation, I think. It gives us a detour from the uncomfortable sense of unfairness that I have him. That he is mine.

Birth mothers are brave, I tell myself so that I can escape the suspicion that you carry an unimaginable load of grief. The uncomfortable sense that I perhaps somehow inflicted your grief by taking him when you gave him.

But are you brave? I wonder. Without a doubt, that moment, that huge moment when everything changed for you, for him, for me…that was brave. But every moment since? When changing your mind was not possible? When the course of The Choice was set and there could be no reverse, no U-turn…were you brave then? Has your bravery endured?

I don’t know how you get through the days, or, God help you, the nights. Maybe you don’t. Maybe your life is hell as you grieve the loss of your child. Do you mourn? Do you regret? Do you keen silently where no one sees as you go on with your days, forever marked by That Day?

Forgive me for not grieving over your grief. For not wearing my knees raw in prayer for the woman who knew my son before I even knew of him. For not carrying you in my heart, as you carried him in your womb.

We are inextricably linked, you and I. By a tender little daydreamer. To know him is to love him. You knew him first, so I can only conclude that you must love him too.

There are many things I know about him that you have no idea of. His sleepy wake-up face. The sweet way he says “Sissie.” How he tells me every day “Me miss Daddy” while Daddy is at work. His hilarious stride as he runs. The way that it took him 7 months to master riding his training bike.

But, you see, there are things that you know about him that I don’t. The feel of his movements in your womb. The time of his birth. What he looked like as he slipped out from you into the world. His biological father’s name.

[eltdf_blockquote text=”And I’m realising that without your son there can be no my son. As he grows, he will want to know more of you. And I wish I could give him more. Because you and I…together we complete him.” title_tag=”h2″ width=””]

He is doing well, our son. Just fine. He loves and he is loved. He is bookended by a big sister and a baby brother. His precious life is surrounded by so many people who adore him. He is precocious and funny and sweet and tender. And he is fine.

With each new revelation of his budding sweet personality that surely could not have come from me, I wonder about you. I think of you. And maybe that can be my gift to you; my hopelessly inadequate show of gratitude to the woman who gave him to me.

The post Dear X appeared first on Proverbs 31.

As Mothers’ day celebrations subside, I just want to tell you that I’ve been thinking of you lately. I’m a mom today because you gave birth to my son. You gave me such a wonderful and precious gift. This letter is to merely thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have never met you nor do I have your address but I know you are somewhere out there.

Mothers’ day and my sons’ birthday are calendar events that bring so much joy to me and I think any other mother out there. I know these calendar events also tug something in your heart as you carried this boy in your womb. I’m sure you’d like someone to wish you happy mothers’ day, perhaps they have and you’ve struggled with the concept as you left your baby in the hospital and someone else is raising him?

Perhaps you have tried to keep a straight face when you see a mothers’ day advert on TV or in magazines, when you hear on radio how thankful people are to their mothers for raising them in difficult circumstances. Perhaps you’ve tried to run away from such celebrations. Perhaps you’ve tried to stay strong and forget about the whole thing?

Well, YOU are a mother even though you are not raising your baby. I don’t blame you at all for leaving him at the hospital. You chose the best option for him, instead of aborting him or leaving in near a bin or in some open field him you gave him up for adoption. Some women do not have such guts and for that, I take my hat off to you, salute! [eltdf_blockquote text=”I want to wish you a happy mother’s day! You’ll forever be my son’s mother and forever in my thoughts. Please know that I will tell of your courage to my son for years to come and perhaps until the day I die!” title_tag=”h2″ width=””]

Don’t let this mothers’ day (and the ones to come) bring misery and pain but smile and be filled with much hope. He’s growing up with so many people loving and supporting him; especially his dad, my husband loves him like his own. It’s been an emotional journey and a half for me;  love doesn’t begin to describe what I have for him and I’m so blessed to be his mother!

Happy mothers’ day once again.

Love

Your sons’ mother.

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