As I look at my daughter, on the brink of womanhood, there is nothing I wish more for her, as a daughter of God, than to embrace her beautiful essence of God –given femininity and for her to impact the world with a kingdom mind-set of true and creative womanhood.

My prayer for her is that she would drown out the clarion call of Society’s pursuit towards feminism as well as the church’s unintentional and oftentimes subtle, yet functional call towards subjugation and subordination. I long for her to see her image-bearing worth through the eyes of God and the words of Scripture.

She is not less than. She is not inferior.

If God does not view her as such, no man or man-made philosophy has the right to do so. May she never enable views such as chauvinism or misogyny with her silence or apathetic acceptance.

‘To understand the meaning of womanhood we have to start with God. If He is indeed “Creator of all things visible and invisible,” then He is certainly in charge of all things, visible and invisible, stupendous and miniscule, magnificent and trivial. God has to be in charge of details if He is going to be in charge of the overall design.’ [Elizabeth Elliot]

When God created the world, there was not sufficient in Adam to reflect God’s image. Neither Adam nor Eve were adequate, on their own, to bear the divine image. Adam, on his own, was not good. It was only after God created woman, that together they complemented each other and filled in what the other lacked with their own unique strengths. It was only then that God could pronounce that His creation was complete and very good and truly beautiful and could give Him glory. It was only then that God stopped creating.

John Piper’s view of true womanhood is captured through his childhood eyes:

‘When I was a boy growing up in Greenville, South Carolina, my father was away from home about two-thirds of every year. What I learned in those days was that my mother was omni-competent. But it never occurred to me to think of my mother and my father in the same category. Both were strong. Both were bright. Both were kind. Both would kiss me and both would spank me. Both were good with words. Both prayed with fervour and loved the Bible. But unmistakably my father was a man and my mother was a woman. They knew it and I knew it. And it was not mainly a biological fact. It was mainly a matter of personhood and relational dynamics.’

In God’s perfect creation design in Genesis, He gave a special place, honour, function and glory to the man and the woman – different from each other but the same, equal in value, worth and dignity. The cultural or creation mandate, to fill the earth and subdue it, was given to both Adam and Eve. Neither could carry out this mandate and mission successfully on their own.

Every culture and society, post Genesis 3 and down through history, has had expressions and attitudes of viewing women as inferior and less than – objectifying them, disrespecting them, discriminating against them or abusing them.

This was never God’s design or way. It comes from Satan, the father of lies, who loves to imprison, keep in bondage and distort the Truth with his well-practised mantra, ‘Did God really say?’

In fighting the war against the world’s view of feminism and its invisible chains, the church has sometimes built a prison for women. Its bars are built from reactionary fear and the mishandling of God’s Truth. It comes from viewing women through a post Genesis 3 lens.

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By expressing our divine design of femininity, in all its wonder and beauty, we not only reflect God and bring Him glory, we feel free and fulfilled.

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Culture, not the Bible, has imposed definitions on words that assume weakness and insignificance. When we take Biblical terminology, words such as ‘helpmeet’, submission’ and ‘weaker vessel’ and we don’t define them biblically through the lens of Genesis 1 and 2, [where they imply strength, dignity and beauty], but rather redefine them through the lens of culture and a worldly societal context, we do much damage. We misrepresent God’s beautiful design and we start empowering feminism and chauvinism in the church context.

In so doing, we play right into Satan’s hands and his game of discrediting God. Women desire to rule over men and men want to rule harshly with women. We are as deceived as Adam and Eve were in Genesis 3. We don’t reflect the Gospel, we reflect the world.

‘It is a naive sort of feminism that insists that women prove their ability to do all the things that men do. This is a distortion and a travesty. Men have never sought to prove that they can do all the things women do.

Why subject women to purely masculine criteria? Women can and ought to be judged by the criteria of femininity, for it is in their femininity that they participate in the human race. And femininity has its limitations. So has masculinity. That is what we’ve been talking about. To do this is not to do that. To be this is not to be that. To be a woman is not to be a man. To be married is not to be single – which may mean not to have a career. To marry this man is not to marry all the others. A choice is a limitation.’  [Elizabeth Elliot ‘Let Me be a Woman’]

Biblical womanhood cannot be simply defined and limited by the two ‘go-to passages’ of Proverbs 31 and Titus 2. That becomes confusing and restrictive and distorts God’s design for true womanhood.

Society and the church’s view of women is to define them by their roles. God’s view of women is far grander, far more glorious and exceedingly more creative and beautiful. God defines women by their image-bearing worth. In God’s eyes, our identity as women comes from who we are in our created image-bearing design. In the eyes of a fallen world, our identity as women comes from an evolutionary design.

I am not as concerned with Society’s view of woman; Society will always get it wrong. I am concerned for the church; that is where we need it to get it right. It is where we can get it right. According to Gods’ Word, a woman is not ‘less than’ in the Church and she is not inferior in the home. This is often reflected in attitudes and mind-sets in the church context. Subservience is glorified because it looks like holiness and humility.

The church needs to see as God sees.

This is hard because tradition is entrenched and the fight against egalitarianism has seen many retreat to the other side, the side of patriarchy and chauvinism. When the pendulum swings from one side to the other, it often takes a long time to settle back in the middle.

Culture has always taken a contrary view to the Bible. The Bible’s view is good, but Culture has taken what is good and called it evil.

Culture considers women as objects, as inferior, as less than. Culture measures worth by ability, man-made standards and Darwinian instincts. The Bible has always regarded women as worthy, noble and honourable.

God drew near to Hagar in the wilderness when she was unfairly banished from Abraham’s home with Ishmael. God punished Onan when he disrespected his duty to Tamar. God saved Rahab, a prostitute abused by men, and honoured her by including her in the lineage of Jesus. God chose to work through women who were stigmatised by ancient societies because they were barren – Sarah, Rebekah, Hannah, Samson’s mother and Elizabeth. God blessed Ruth, a Moabitess, and culturally less worthy. God considered her worthy of being redeemed and becoming the mother to Obed who was in the line of David and Christ. Jesus defended the adulterous women who was discriminated against. Jesus gently revealed who He was to the Samaritan woman at the well, lower in ethnic, religious and social status.

The Bible honours women. Jesus honoured women. Paul, in his letters to the NT churches, honours women.

I want my daughter to see these beautiful Biblical expressions of womanhood honoured in the church. Women who are precious in God’s sight, resourceful and fearless, clothed in strength and dignity, full of wisdom, kindness and grace. Women who fear the Lord and are praised at the gates.

I want her to see godly men in the church respect women and treat them with honour, protection, kindness and gentleness.

I want her to see women flourish, alongside men, in making disciples as Jesus commissioned both men and women to do as the church’s mandate.

I want Society to look at our churches and to not be drawn in by the beautiful steeples and stained glass windows, but rather by the beautiful and countercultural expressions of biblical femininity and masculinity that the Gospel creates and calls us to.

I want my sons to see beautiful examples of women who are ‘omni-competent,’ clothed in strength and dignity, laughing at the days to come, because they fear the Lord. I want them to learn how to serve women by giving up their lives sacrificially for them, just as Christ gave up His life and exemplified submission to His Father.

When Adam set eyes on Eve, after realising that there was no suitable companion for him among the animals, he burst forth in poetic song, celebrating her as a precious gift, honouring her and worshipping God in gratefulness. He recognised Eve as a woman. She was beautifully different from him in form and physiology, but completely like him in her image-bearing design, reflecting their Creator’s master hand. They could communicate together, be creative together and glorify God together.

I want my daughter to see and experience that in the church and in godly Christian homes.                                I want my sons to recognise that unique worth and value in women and celebrate it.

That will happen when it is modelled. That will happen when Godly women celebrate their unique design of femininity and are joyfully content expressing that beautifully. That will happen when Godly men acknowledge it and hold it up as excellent and noble and rise and call her blessed.

Why do warriors go to battle? To fight for and protect their women (and children) from foreign invaders, because women are worthy of being fought for and protected.

Why does the prince rescue the princess? Because she is worthy of being rescued.

She is not less than. She is not inferior.

A woman’s input, in the home and the church, is necessary and valuable. It is invaluable. Men need it. They needed it in Eden, when there was no sin. God saw that and He created woman. It is the way God designed it and it was very good. It was perfect.

‘My plea is let me be a woman, holy through and through, asking for nothing but what God wants to give me.’ [Elizabeth Elliot]

This blogpost was first published here

The post I Am Woman appeared first on Proverbs 31.

Dragons are slain, princes are rescuing heroes on white horses, poor maidens become princesses, fairies are your friends and evil is overcome.

The real world is different. It is broken and groaning. Wars are fought. Greed and power seem to overcome good. Corruption is rife. Rape, women and child abuse are prolific and hatred speaks louder than love.

In this harsh world, a Southern Kingdom is ruled by prejudice and discrimination. For 46 years the subjects of this kingdom were separated and for the past 24 years, vengeance and resentment have sung a siren tune. This Rainbow Nation’s dream is as elusive as the reality of a Fairy Tale.

Yet in this Southern Kingdom, ruled by hatred and brokenness, we see the most unlikely of friendships, brought about by Gospel shoes of grace and peace.

In a strange little hamlet, called Church, we see orchards bear the most beautiful fruit of kindness, joy, peace and hope. It is here that a Black girl and a White girl hold hands and forge a special bond. The Spirit has done that – not a magical spirit, but the Holy Spirit.

‘He is the One who unites us despite our different experiences, cultures and skin colours.’ [Lehman Bates]

The Black girl and the White Girl grew up in different kingdoms, two worlds far apart, but as their paths crossed, they realised that in all the ways that matter most, they are the same. In this unique hamlet, they become sisters.

As they stand together on the Gospel Bridge – built out of rugged blood-stained wood – between their two kingdoms, something strange and wonderful and supernatural starts to happen.

The heavy chains shackling them to their pasts start to shatter. The chorus of prejudice resonating in their ears becomes a beautiful hymn of joy and harmony. The lyrics are not their own; they are written and sung by a heavenly angelic choir, marvelling at this mystery unfolding on the bridge.

They start to see each other’s hearts, once hard and stony, suddenly made new, soft and gentle. A true friendship starts to blossom behind faces that were once strangers. They start to speak a new language. Having both been taught the language of hate, words of love, now unbidden, flow from their lips.

Their minds are renewed. Ugly memories of the past start to fade and vanish; slowly disappearing on the wind. They laugh together.

Strangers passing by from one kingdom to another stop and stare. Some mock the Black girl and the White girl. Others are angry. A few join them.

As they stand together on this bridge, they look up and across the valleys and kingdoms, full of rocky and harsh terrain, and they see a brilliant city in the far away distance. It shines brightly, its radiance coming from the Son, the Prince of Peace. Its streets are golden and those who walk thereon have no sadness or weeping or pain. This forever City of Joy, above the clouds, is ruled by Majesty and Glory.

This is where they are headed together, the Black girl and the White girl; adopted daughters of the King of kings. This is where they will live happily ever after.

‘Ask the Spirit of God to lead you and help you cultivate relationships. He will do what you couldn’t imagine.’ [Lehman Bates]

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I am an African woman.

I am an African woman who is white.

If you are a black African woman, I can see your nostrils flare and smoke coming out of your ears as you indignantly whisper ‘How dare she call herself African!!’

Your black African identity has just presupposed superiority over my white African identity. Seriously, that is what you have just done. Default prejudices and stereotypical expectations and assumptions have been reinforced. I am pleading with you, my black ‘sistas,’ to just breathe, count to ten and to not stop reading.

I am an African Woman.

I was born in Africa and have lived here all my life.

I concede that my lineage and roots cannot be traced to Mapungubwe. My ancestors were not slaves. For all I know, my ancestors could have been slave traders.

I am a 4th generation South African whose paternal great grandparents were from England and whose maternal great grandparents were French Huguenots. My maternal grandfather was a true Afrikaans boer, a sheep farmer from Cradock.

My paternal grandfather left school at the age of 14 to learn a trade to support his mother and nine younger siblings after the death of his father.

I was born in the summer of ’69, [the only significance of this is that it is the title of a Bryan Adams song].

I am a product of growing up under the Apartheid regime on the side of white privilege.

My birthplace is a little town called Queenstown in the Eastern Cape.

I have lived in South Africa, Uganda and Rwanda.

I am an African woman.

I have realised that if there is any group in South Africa that can be pitied from a cultural richness and heritage perspective, it is us English white South Africans. Please hear me out. Perhaps the only card I can play is that we are a minority group! [I hope you can find the humour in this irony].

South Africans who have cultural and tribal allegiances have unique traditions and practices, be that Zulu, Xhosa etc. These could be traditional marriage practices, lobola, coming of age ceremonies, and traditional dress.

The Cape Malays have a rich food culture and lingo.

The Afrikaners have koeksusters, melktert, braaivleis and rugby.

What easily discernible traditions or cultural practices do I as a white English South African have? Perhaps white privilege? Are you slowly starting to feel sorry for me? Do you realise why I have an identity crisis?

Thabiti Anyabwile has so transformed my thinking on this idea of racial identity. His premise is the following: ‘The category of race is a social fiction. It is not a real Biblical category.’ [He refers to Acts 17:26] ‘The idea of race is an illusion. Nowhere in the Bible do you find anything describing race.’

He goes on further to explain that there is one Biblical story. We are one human race descended from Adam.

In Genesis 3, Eve is called the mother of all living.

After the flood, the rest of humanity descended from Noah and his sons.

We are all unified as descendants of Adam and Noah. The table of nations in Genesis 10 illustrates that all are descended from Noah’s sons. It does not mention race, but rather class, language and ethnicity. Thabiti argues that before Christian unity, there is biological unity because we are all descended from the same parents. ‘As Christians, we need a thorough rethinking of anthropology… We need some truth-telling in a vigorous Biblical way.’ 

So in the church, dear ‘sistas,’ we do not have the right to look at one another in terms of racial categories. That would be a sin. That would be racism. And it is a sin in the way racism has manifested itself in the hearts and actions of people. This may be historically justified but that doesn’t make it right.

I do not have the freedom to look at you and behold first your skin colour and base an entire narrative on that and you do not have the freedom to do that to me. Because of our citizenship in heaven, I have more in common with my black ‘sista’ in the pew than I do with my white neighbour who is an unbeliever. That is what Christ’s blood bought on the cross. We are co-heirs with Christ. We are one in Christ. As Jesus said in John 8:32, the Truth will always set us free. What more wonderful truths could there be for you and me than contained in these verses:

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. And if you are Christ’s, then you are Abraham’s offspring, heirs according to promise.[Galatians3:28-29]

Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all. [Colossians 3:9-11]

Where does that leave you and me?

It leaves us deliberately and intentionally changing the way we look at each other. I must look at you with different eyes. You must look at me with different eyes. We must view each other through the lens of the Gospel of Grace. We are ‘sista’s in Christ.’

Tim Keller articulates this so clearly: ‘Racial pride and cultural narrowness cannot co-exist with the gospel of grace. They are mutually exclusive.’

Identity crisis? What crisis?

I am settled in this. My identity does not need to come from my skin colour, my language, my traditions or my cultural practices. None of that defines me. It may explain me, but it does not define me. My identity is found in Christ and that trumps all else, because that is eternal.

The post I Am An African appeared first on Proverbs 31.

We as a family have walked this dark road. Many walked it with us. It changed us and it changed them. This is part of our story. We cannot change that. We became those parents in 2003 when our daughter Laura, aged 7, was diagnosed with a neuroblastoma, a malignant soft tissue tumour, on her adrenal gland.

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When you hear the word ‘cancer’, the world shakes beneath you and all becomes blurry, just for a second. Disbelief and denial are short-lived.

Very quickly your ‘mother bear’ instincts set in and

you become the protector, the fighter.

This is your child. That is your job.

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That diagnosis propelled us into the next 14 months which were a whirlwind of blood tests, scans, hospital stays, blood transfusions, chemo protocols, surgery, radiation, a brief remission, more blood tests, chemo, infections and ICU. The Paediatric Oncology ward became our second home, the nurses our family and the oncologist, Dr Charmaine, our friend.

Our family and our church rallied around us while I was at the hospital with Laura. They prayed for us. They cared for us. Laura’s school was sensitive and accommodating.

Yet one of the issues we faced on that journey was how individuals struggled to relate to us as a family and to Laura. This was our new reality. We had to cope. Others did not know how. And that is normal. Our default is avoidance. We are reluctant to look suffering in the face. It makes us uncomfortable.

A few years after Laura’s death, a mom asked me how she could minister to and support a friend whose son had recently been diagnosed with cancer.

She wanted to know what had practically encouraged me and been helpful to me when Laura was undergoing treatment:

Here was my advice to her:

Never underestimate practical help as a unique means of grace.

When Laura had to be in hospital for her chemo (which was usually 2-3 days at a time), one of my friends would organise a roster with friends to pick up and drop off my boys from school. This was a huge burden off me as I did not have to personally organise people to help. I would just give her the schedule and she would arrange it all for me and let me know who was doing what for those days.

Obviously meals for us as a family was a huge help when Laura was in hospital as either Andrew or I would stay with her. Normal routines and schedules no longer existed. (Flexibility was my new friend and I had to become a quick learner).

As I had to spend so much time in the hospital with Laura, it was really helpful when others would offer to come and keep her company (obviously people she felt comfortable with) so that I could just get out and do errands or spend some time with Reece and Devon so that they did not always feel side-lined. It was also good for Laura, as a child undergoing chemo can feel isolated and become overly dependent on Mom.

When Laura was in for chemo, it was wonderful when friends used to come and drink coffee with me at the hospital to keep me company for a short while. As a mom, your world shrinks and you can feel cut off from the outside world.

Children undergoing chemo are still normal children (just going through a really tough time) and most of the time they just want to carry on as children doing the normal routines as far as they are allowed regarding their treatment and blood count levels. So encouraging other children (their friends) to visit them in the hospital (if allowed) and playing games with them or watching a movie with them keeps their spirits up. It is also good for the other children to treat them as normal and to not avoid them.

When you do visit the mom, try not to make ‘helpful suggestions’ as to what latest medical or natural alternatives there are to help heal her child and don’t bombard her with medical articles etc.

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As a mom you are so overwhelmed with so much medical information regarding the treatment and cancer – that other people’s personal

experience or “Google” knowledge is not helpful.

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Engage with the mom where she is at and show an interest in the treatment and some of the details. This is her world now. As parents, they have had to look at all the options with their Oncologist and have chosen a course which they feel is wise and best for their child.

Meet with the mom regularly to pray or go through a Bible study book. This is a consistent way to encourage her and to walk the road with her as her routines become erratic and can change on a blood count result. She will often miss out on fellowship at Church.

Don’t forget the Dad. Dad’s generally struggle to talk about what they are going through as they cannot fix this situation. So make sure there are some who keep regular, continuous contact with the dad to encourage him in this trial.

A child undergoing cancer normally means a long road of many months – so there are not many friends who can walk the long haul and stay committed. That takes sacrifice. It can be exhausting, but for those who do, it is a blessing and a joy for both parties. An opportunity to witness God at work in big and little ways.

Encouraging the mom to keep a true biblical perspective is helpful, but the constant sending of random verses and over-spiritualising things is not.

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This can often be perceived as superficial. Show empathy and

not sympathy. Sympathy can often come across as

patronising and condescending.

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Be prepared to sometimes just cry with her and let her share her heart emotions and fears without feeling you have to give her a solution or some profound spiritual answer. ‘Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.’ (Proverbs 12:25).

‘Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.’ (Proverbs 25:11)

Don’t always talk ‘treatment talk’ and ‘medical talk’ with the mom and especially not in front of the child. Talk about general things and share some laughs and fun conversations. Although the Paediatric Oncology world is a huge part of her life, it is not her whole life and she still wants to feel part of the outside world.

It is also helpful to facilitate for the whole family to go away for a weekend as a good distraction. A child undergoing chemo can often get depressed and this is good quality time for the whole family.

Arrange to babysit all the children in the family so that Mom and Dad can have some time alone to regroup and connect and support each other. This trial can place huge strain on a marriage.

A gentle and personal word to the mom whose heart is so burdened for her child with cancer, who feels she will bend and break under the weight of this trial:

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It is easy to become cocooned in the crisis and push others away.

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It is hard to accept all the help offered.

It is humbling to be on the receiving end of grace.

It is scary to invite others into your heartache and pain.

But special friendships are formed when you open your heart to the willing and loving care of others.

Their kind words are like honey, their acts of service are a sweet balm to an aching heart and their comforting presence is sweet fellowship.

Just an aisde:

Be reminded of the fatherly care of God in Isaiah 40:11:

‘He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young,’ and Jesus’ tender and compassionate words in Matthew 12:20: ‘A bruised reed he will not break.’

Hold on tightly to this promise from Hebrews 4:15-16: ‘For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.’

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In Romans 12:9 Paul begins a section about love being without hypocrisy and being devoted to one another in brotherly love, contributing to the needs of the saints and weeping with those who weep.

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John Calvin comments on weeping with those who weep as follows:

‘A general truth is laid down: the faithful, regarding each other with mutual affection, are to consider the condition of others as their own.

For such is the nature of true love, that one prefers to weep with his brother, rather than to look at a distance on his grief and to live in pleasure or ease.

What is meant then is that we, as much as possible, ought to sympathize with one another, and that, whatever our lot may be, each should transfer to himself the feeling of another, whether of grief in adversity or of joy in prosperity. And, doubtless, not to regard with joy the happiness of a brother is envy; and not to grieve for his misfortunes is inhumanity.’

Let there be such a sympathy among us as may at the same time adapt us to all kinds of feelings.

This is not a choice.

This is what it means to be family, God’s way.

The rewards far outweigh the sacrifice.

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