[eltdf_dropcaps type=”normal” color=”” background_color=””]I[/eltdf_dropcaps] cringed as I was writing that greeting because I hate when people call me independent.  But the truth is, it’s what I’ve fought so hard to become.  I have lived much of my life trying to prove people wrong about my ability to be self sufficient.  Trying to prove that I can do it on my own.  It’s a battle I’ve fought hard and a battle I’ve mostly won.  But have I really, though?

So here I am, late 20s and single.  I love my independence.  Sometimes I let it rule my life.  Backing up…let’s be real, I often let it rule my life.  It’s a badge I wear proudly.  Sometimes I wear it so proudly that I don’t know how to take it off.  Several weeks ago, I felt like my badge of independence was being ripped from me.  I got asked out for coffee by a guy I’d just met.  My immediate response was: Uhmm…I don’t have time for this, have a nice day.  

No, I didn’t actually say that! You’ll be relieved to hear that response was just in my head.  I was told by a dear friend recently that if I desire to be married, I have to stop saying no to every single guy that shows interest.  So I texted a girl friend and literally said:  I don’t know what to say.  I have a particular skill in shutting guys down…the reverse, not so much.

That invitation terrified me.  My mind went into an immediate spiral of what-ifs that led to the thought: could this simple little invitation to get coffee be the end of my independence?  And my friend, that is when I realized my independence is an idol in my heart.  That was a painful thing to realize.

Idols aren’t just the little carvings people in different parts of the world have sitting on their mantle.  According to Merriman-Webster’s Dictionary, an idol is a representation or symbol of an object of worship; broadly: a false god.  My friend, that’s what independence is in my heart: a false god.  An idol can be anything that you worship above the one, true God.  My independence is stealing from me my greatest joy: a life in honour of Christ.  Instead of pursuing Christ, I’m pursuing things that give me greater independence.

That little invitation for coffee ended up being nothing.  We chatted a bit, had a nice time, but in the end decided that the Lord was clearly leading our lives in two totally different directions.  But I’m so glad he asked me to coffee, because God used it to expose my heart and show me my sin.

[eltdf_blockquote text=”My greatest fear is that I will be successful in the things that don’t matter for eternity. And my greatest desire is to serve the Lord sacrificially with my whole life. It’s time to put my desire for independence to death. ” title_tag=”h2″ width=””]. May I continue to remain single as long as my service for the Lord has a larger impact through my singleness than through marriage.  But if I meet someone where I can tangibly see a way wherein we can serve the Lord better together, then may I joyfully embrace marriage.  Either way, I can find joy and contentment in the life the Lord has planned for me.

Today, let your dependence be on Christ.

Love from One Independent Sister to Another

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As part of the singleness awareness day we will be doing a series of candid interviews with several men and women at various stages in their lives to find out how they are experiencing singleness; we hope their lives encourage you.

Singleness in your 20’s:

Tsholo, 27, female living in Jhb North.

1. Do you enjoy being single?
About three weeks in a month I really do enjoy being single! I enjoy the “freedom” that comes with it, not having to
report where I’m going or why. I enjoy spending my money as I see fit without having to consult someone about it. However, I don’t enjoy the lack of male attention! Sometimes I just don’t want my girlfriends’ attention, I want a guy’s attention; specifically a male human being who breaths. Oh and I don’t enjoy always being the “candle” cause I’m the single one in the group!
2. What are the greatest challenges faced as a result of being single…and Christian?
Not having someone to share this journey of faith with. Not having someone to serve with. And PURITY! The purity battle is real out here!
3. If you were to never marry, how would that change how you live now?
I would think less about marriage and focus more on how to make Christ known, how to serve better, how to live out a more godly life for the glory of God. Just how to get the gospel everywhere!
4. How has the fact that no-one has yet asked for your hand in marriage affected how your view your beauty and worth?
The issue is not really about people not asking, but specifically that a godly guy with a sensible goal in life hasn’t asked. It doesn’t affect the way I think about my beauty but it does make me question whether I am not godly enough to be pursued by a godly guy.
5. There’s almost a ‘shame’ stigma attached to being single – have you experienced this and how have you overcome it?

Yes, definitely! It’s as if I’m the one doing something wrong. Maybe I’m not praying enough, making myself look good enough? Those are the thoughts that come with the question – “why are you still single?”

As a wise friend always says, all in God’s timing. To deal with these thoughts, I keep reminding myself that God is sovereign. God NEVER promised me a spouse, but His word keeps saying over and over that He is the giver of all good things. He does all things for the good of those He loves. That’s a definite comfort for me because I know He thinks this is best for me now in His will for me to be perfected. That makes me happy.

Also, I thank the Lord for godly friends who remind me of these truths when I seem to have forgotten. He is our Father and He loves us, He loved His son but He ‘forsook’ Him for our sake, what’s a little pain here and there when we have such a great hope?

6. If you could advise your younger self with regards to relationships – what would you say?
Be PATIENT girl, it ain’t all about you! You still have a goal – to know Him and to make Him known!

A s an ode to Valentine’s Day, we’d like to encourage you to make the most of your singleness. Know that you are not alone, and that in every season of singleness, God provides enough grace to see you through. We serve a God who delights to give good gifts to His children. A Father who will not give you a stone when you ask for bread, but a Father who always gives what is best for His children (Matt 7: 9 -11). You desire to get married? Good. But don’t miss out on the beauty of this season while pining for a future spouse. Thank the Lord this good gift and enjoy it!

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